Mest was and always will be right

"Tell them lies and they will believe you, but if your honest they will decieve you. If  you love them they will just leave you, but if you play them they will stay with you."

Went to bible study tonight and thanks to those people and the power of God. I've had a good amount of grief relieved. Guess I should get close to God before I can possibly ever get close to another girl (though I hope it isn't another girl, and it is amanda) Love her, but realize that I treat girls like fucking diamond and if they can't handle a gentlemen, then f it. I'll find someone who wants to be treated like women should be. (though again, i really hope I just get Amanda back. Though I feel she is much happier now, and though it kills, I'm happy she is happy.)

Hi AbsoluteZero01! It's been 583 (wow, that's a big number) days since you joined Xanga <-- that is awesome.

I would just like to take this time to thank God. Thank You!

Want the Dreams that never came and Sunken Ships CD? It is the cd mix I made, well 2 cds, for the memories of Amanda and how I'm feeling. Here are the songs.

Sugarcult - Memory

Taking Back Sunday - Your Own Disaster

Taking Back Sunday - Cute without the E (acoustic version)

Brand New - The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

Brand New - Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades

Brand New - The No Seatbelt Song

Blessed Union of Souls - Standing at the Edge of the Earth

Dashboard Confessional - This Ruined Puzzle

Early November - Come Back

Early Novemeber - Ever So Sweet

Good Charlotte - Hold On

Lifehouse - Take Me Away

Juliana Theory - Don't Push Love Away

Juliana Theory - Something Isn't Right Here

Juliana Theory - Everything

Linkin Park - My December

Ludwig Van Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata 1st Movement

Garth Brooks - The Dance

Nerf Herder - Golf Shirt

Nickleback - Breathe

Something Corporate - Globes and Maps

Something Corporate - Fall

Stroke 9 - Vacuum Bag

Zebrahead - The Real Me

Zebrahead - Subtract You

 

So go ahead and make your copies today!

What Happened To This?

I opened my superman box today where I stored the most important things that Amanda ever gave me and read the letter she wrote me awhile ago. I put my thoughts as I'm typing in ( ). The Letter says....

 

I suppose it's my turn to write a letter isn't it? Well, how are you and all that jazz? Not so good, right? Precisely why I'm sitting here in printmaking scribbling these very words.

Lately we've been undergoing some pretty trying times. I'm sure you agree; I guess you could say our movie is getting somewhat, I don't know, suspensful? We have to be realistic, a movie without conflict would simply be uninteresting. (Hope the movies isn't over.)

Like you've said, we don't get to see each other as much now as before and it's tough. Not to mention we're both under quite a bit of stress. (I know that right now I've never been under so much stress) Last night I went to bed not having a clue what was going on in your head or mine for that matter. (I wish I know what was going on in her head.) Eventually, I just couldn't think about all of the confusion anymore so I called it quits, but then I woke up this morning with the most regretful feeling in my gut. I can't believe how cold hearted I was acting or why I felt such a strong desire to push you away. (Which is what she is doing now, why can't she see that?) I don't know what I'm so afraid of - logically one would think of getting hurt, but I think it's something more than just that. I'm afraid you deserve so much more and you'll wake up and realize that any moment. (There is no one better) I know I have already dissappointed you, but it could/will be so much worse. (You've never dissappointed me.)

I hate this being hurt and confused and sad and lost all at the same time and having no clue as to why I'm such a ghastly amount of said emotions. (Basically I'm feeling the same way right now, but much much worse) I can't function with all of this in my head combined with not knowing what you're thinking and I definitely couldn't bare to be without you in my life. (seem to be doing well now)

You mean so much to me. I took you for granted these last couple of days and now I'[m looking back and scolding myself. (Why can't that be now!) I can't explain my stupidity sometimes. I'm stubborn and close-minded I'll admit. I know there is no good excuse for my being mean to you, no one should ever be mean to you. I want to make you happy always. (Then be with me, please be with me)

I understand it's incredibly naive to think anyone could be happy always - without sorrow, glee could not be appreciated after all, but it pains me to hear about your unhappiness. Then again I don't want you to not tell me if you're feeling down, so, well I guess I'm stuck. (I'm so down right now you have no clue)

I don't know about you, but I'm willing to accept that things like this happen. Learn from mistakes and move on. I don't want to say that and make you feel like I don't care about your feelings. If something(s) still bother you. I'll try to talk to you without getting frustrated. I think sometimes I forget to put myself in other people's shoes because I get too caught up in trying to figure my own self out.

There I go again, blaming myself and putting myself down. Some where down the lines people learn to point a finger, but I apparently missed that day at school. This is so funny because everything I blame on me is the same stuff my mom complained about my dad. I can see myself doing dumb things. I tell myself to stop, but like they say old habits die hard. (You are so perfect, never feel otherwise.)

All I can do is promise to try to be better, basically as a person in general. Instead of fixing on the thought that you deserve someone better I'll strive to be a better person for you. (You are the best person for me) Now I know I'll still goof up, that's just bound to happen, but I know that I'm not meanting to be the way I am. Whichever way that is - I still don't know how to describe it. (Don't push me away please!)

You have every right to never want to talk to me again and I'm not sure what exactly needs to be done or said anymore. You're probably about sick of reading this and beyond ready to pitch it in the trash, but I just wanted to let you know that not only do I care for and about you. I love you with all my heart and would/will do anything to make you happy. You'll never know how much you mean to me. You are my alpha and omega baby! (I feel the same still, jeez it is hard to type when you are crying)

Love you forever and always,

Amanda

 

I really feel like this song by Blessed Union of Souls

"Standing At The Edge Of The Earth"

I knew that this moment would come in time
That I'd have to let go and watch you fly
I know you're coming back so why am I dying inside
Are you searching for words that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye
So I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that someday you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday
Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say
I don't want to let you leave this way
I want you to know that I stand right by your side
And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday
And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday
Waiting for someday Believing in someday
Praying for someday, I'll be....
Longing for someday Clinging to someday
Cherishing someday, I'll be....
Thinking of someday Dreaming of someday
Wishing for someday, I'll be....
Living for someday Counting on someday
Knowing that one day....
I will see you

and like this song by Early November called "Come Back"

Looking in your eyes
Praising every moment because you're my only light
Reading the stares at your passion that bears me now
Shedding no little tears
The silence scares us more than leaving could

[Chorus:]
Come back
Please don't leave me now
I'll be all that you need in life
Because I can't live without you and
I know all that you need
I can give you everything
When you're so far you'll forget about me

Waiting by your side
Knowing every moment is closer to your flight
Upset with the past, but it's all that holds us now
Believing no lies, telling each other we'll be fine forever

[Chorus]

But I'll wait
I could never leave those beautiful eyes
I know you're sorry
I know what you must be going through
And I feel sorry for you

But please don't leave me now [x3]

I don't understand things. I don't understand how feelings change in a person. I don't understand why good things have to end. Is the world afraid of what may become of beautiful things. What compels a persons change of feelings for another. Please everyone in the world pray for me to get her and that feeling back. Here is something written not too long ago that I held very dear to me.

faint_whispers

Are you bored with me? Have you started to see the real hell beast? The insensitive, controling wench within? You could and should have so much more. Someone offbeat yet sensable. A beaut but still with a slice of humble pie. You deserve to have a girl that will laugh at all of your jokes, Not make you the butt of all her jokes. But still you are with me. It baffles me to say the least. You tell me you miss me And go the extra mile. Sweet little kisses for the hell of it. Extra tight squeezes. Fingers through my messy hair. You let me know you're there for me. But is it me you care for? Or is it the candy-coated outer shell? All I can do is trust. Trust that what I feel is everlasting. And I do. So I'll let this feeling engulf me, Swallowing me up entirely. Casting aside my fears. For love is sensless and heeds no warning. No logic. Unpredictable. Roller coaster ride. And that is exactly why I can't get enough. That was a private post that Amanda had written that only I could see. I loved it so much. So, how does one who loved so much change for no reason? I guess that is why I feel like the song "Your Own Disaster" by Taking Back Sunday for the lines I'll point out. *Just think of this and me *as just a few of many things *to lie around *to clutter up your shelves *And I wish you weren't worth the wait *because there's some thing's *I'd like to say to you... *I don't think that *you know what *you've been missing *Cuz I don't think that *you know what *you've been missing *I dare you to forget *those marks you left *across my neck *from those nights when we were both *found at our best *I could make this obvious, *and in one breath *you could shrug me off *your shoulders... *I don't think that *you know what *you've been missing *Cuz I don't think that *you know what *you've been missing Hey, lush, have fun It's the weekend Hey, lush, have fun Hey, lush, have fun It's the weekend Hey, lush, have fun I don't think that you know what you've been missing I don't think that you know what you've been missing Just forget me it's that simple Just forget me it's that simple

Only the lines with a * next to them. The rest doesn't fit because I don't want her to forget me. I want her to love me once again. She also doesn't drink so that doesn't fit. Regardless, I can't sleep anymore and I can't eat. If I try I get very very sick. I haven't eaten since then and I can't get myself to drink anything either. I feel so weak, and I have no energy for anything anymore. I just want to shut down and only be awaken by her kiss.