April 18, 2006

• This one comes with a warning...

  Xanga how I've missed thee. Its been quite awhile since I've let it all out into my journal but due to recent events I need to. I have no idea how long this entry will be. I have no idea if anyone will be interested in these words, and I honestly don't care either way. This entry is for me. I need to vent and I don't want my words to be lost. This was my original intentions when starting this xanga many years ago now. I have no idea why I let things persuade me into not doing so anymore. I should have stuck with it. So many missed entries now. I have no idea where to begin but know what I want to talk about. It would be easiest to start with today.

  
  

  Today I woke up and didn't know where I was or what was going on. I had no idea what was real and what wasn't. It was as if I had lost my mind, but I had not. The dream I awoke from was so vivid and real that I didn't know what to think. I wanted to believe the dream was real and I'd be waking up and running to her arms. Her... who could that be, as if it was anyone else. The dream is foggy but reminense of it still remains. I just remember that I was walking around the area here and I ran into Amanda. All I remember is we walked around and talked about things of unimportance, as if all we could say to each other was nonsense idle chat for fear of anything different may erupt into something devastating. The it happened I broke, I couldn't handle pitting it up inside anymore. I crack. Then all at once a river of words washed away the world until all that was left was her and I. I explained to her that for the last two years I've thought of nothing but her, and that my feelings have only been for her. As I can only remember fragments of it I can't tell you everything said, though I wish I had it recorded. Being able to record dreams would be amazing, but unfortunately I cannot. After that was the kiss... a very real feeling kiss, something that caused the synapsis in my brain to realize something isn't real. This could never happen, not again. Her lips would never graze mine again. I scream, "This isn't real. It is only a dream. Wake up!"

  
  

  I tried so desperately to break the demonic control this dream had over me but couldn't wake and so I began to believe in its realness. That was until much later in the dream I awoke to my cell phone vibrating telling me to wake up and get ready for school. I looked around not reconizing my surroundings and foggy in the head of memories. What was the truth. The truth was that the dream was fake, and I wanted it to be real. I felt as though I was pulled out another reality. I got up and started to realize what was real again and went to check my xanga. Maybe she left me a message. YES! she did. She's confused, what about. My mind started to race with why she didn't understand what I was saying. Control your reaction to ramble for 500 pages exploding into an oddesey of words. Keep it simple, breathe, keep it simple, breathe. So much work to just leave a comment. Shit! I'm running late. Clothes and backpack, time to rock.

  
  

  I made why way down Knollwood listening to "Breathe Me" by Sia. I love the piano in this song! She seems to just carry so much emotion in the way she sings and utilizes her words. My thoughts drifted from the song to the dream I had. I really do miss her ever so. I feel so disoriented still. Has my life the past two years been a shame as I admitted in my dream? I had told her that she was the greatest muse I'd ever had. This is true, but isn't it also my own doing. It is because of her I became good at guitar and played at places like the Levee. It is her song "Memorial of the Night" that is my best. It is because of her I have a book that I'm writing and a publisher along with it. It is because of her I have a screenplay in works. Is it because of her? She is my muse, I did it all on my own because of my own dreams, right? I mean granted it was some of her that persuaded me, and now I'm almost out of debt and more social and have grown so much as a person. I've almost reached that awesome person that I know lies within me. I give her credit, but it isn't her doing. It is mine. She is inspiration, but what a great inspiration. Then why do I feel like I'm following a path where everything is about her still? Where did my love of Apple products come from. I had never even used one till I used hers. The laptop she loved so dearly. What about all the art stuff I do now? I'd never done painting or anything before and my painting was used in a play at NKU as the backdrop. Why would I give her credit for that, it was my painting. I don't know. I don't know what to think. I am my own person. I do care about her as much as I had ever before. Stop thinking so much, you are analysing too deeply into meanings that aren't there.

  
  

  I arrived at Justin's house and we walked to school. I told him about leaving Amanda a comment. We talked mildly about what I wanted to happen, and of what I told Alex and Melissa that I never told anyone. "Its nothing big."

  
  

  "Then why can't you tell me."

  
  

  "I can its really not big deal. I just told them that I'm scared and afraid and I'll tell you after this car passes."

  
  

  The car drove inbetween us as we split to opposite sides of the road.

  
  

  "I just told them that I'm scared, because you know my dad became a really bad alcholic after he lost Tamara. He never recovered and drank himself to death. I'm afraid that I may never get over Amanda. I mean I'm by no means going to drink myself to death or anything. I just am scared."

  
  

  Arnie drove up behind us in his sister's car.  He deccelerated to a stop and rolled down his window. I stood looking around at random objects. The field, the building, the tires on the car.

  
  

  "You want a ride to school?", Justin asked me.

  
  

  "Yea, my freakin foot is killing me after I bruised it last night.", I replied.

  
  

  I moved forward and grabbed the handle of the passenger door and pulled it open. Arnie scrambled to move a few things from the seat and I sat down. Justin and Arnie engaged in a converstation about Arnie's sister Jamie. A comedian joked about donut shops and the weird varieties. I chuckled a few times, but my thoughts were more drawn to the dream I had that night. It was so real. Why can't dreams be the reality?

  
  

  We arrived at school and walked to class talking about our jobs and how Justin hated his. I half listened and was half in my head. I can't get this thought out. Oh jeez, I have to give a presentation in art. I need to get focus back.

  
  

  ***********************************

  
  

  My school day finished and I headed out of English 200 to find Justin in our usual meeting spot. Hmmm.. Tina isn't outside fo my english class like usual, that's different. Oh well she'll be asking about the shirt I'm supposed to be making her. Its Ipod time. Dear You (Far Away) by Zebrahead seems like a good choice for what I want to hear right now. My fingers slid down to my waist where my Ipod rested and rotated to increase the volume. I really need to resist the urge to sing along.

  
  

  Making my way downstairs I found no sign of Justin. I reached into my pocket and found my cell phone to message him. "I'm here" the message sent. I stood there looking around feeling dumb as everyone walked by and I was standing there just looking around. Through a tiny area I see him standing outside talking. I make my way out there and notice Melissa is standing out there with him. No sign of Alex though. "Want a ride home?", Mellisa asked me when I came out.

  
  

  "Yes, my foot still kills from stepping on the corner of the wall last night. No more acting like Muhammad Ali for me."

  
  

  "Ok, we just have to go meet up with Alex over by the UC building."

  
  

  The three of us started walking towards the building and Justin started talking about his adventures with administartion. "So I go to the finacial aid office to ask them a question, and being OH so nice as always they tell me to go to the Bursar where they are dick..."

  
  

  His story trailed out. The crosses really are gone. That is insane what happened. Should I tell Amanda how I still feel? I mean what is there to lose? I have nothing to lose only gain. Am I ready though? Is she ready to hear it? Too many questions. I don't know what to do. I look over to see Justin still talking and Mellisa on her cell phone. "I'm sorry, I stopped listening about half way into the story." I tell Justin.

  
  

  "Dick. Thinking about what you are going to have for lunch or something." he replied.

  
  

  "Not exactly."

  
  

  We arrived at the UC building and Justin said goodbye as he headed off to his next class. Alex came through the doors where Mellisa and I were standing. "Man I don't want to work today. My foot really kills."

  
  

  "Aww, you have to work?", Mellisa complains.

  
  

  "Yea, I have to work 2:30 to 9:30"

  
  

  "That sucks. I was hoping we could come over and hang out."

  
  

  "I would like to, but I have to go to work. It sucks. Need the money though."

  
  

  "Still have fight night?", Alex comes in.

  
  

  "No. Brian took it back."

  
  

  "Damn."

  
  

  We walked around the building toward Mellisa's truck. Throwing our bags in the back I hopped into the middle. "I'm hungry", Mellisa announces."

  
  

  "Yea, I could go for something" I said.

  
  

  "I have to poop." Alex says.

  
  

  "Lets get some chinese.", Mellisa suggests.

  
  

  "I don't care. I'll go anywhere really.", I told them.

  
  

  "Don't you have to work?", Mellisa questions.

  
  

  "yea, but they know it is really hard for me to make it there at 2:30, so I can just call and tell them I'll be late. Its cool. I don't want to go anyway." I explained.

  
  

  The conversation then turned to Alex having to take a crap and we having to take him home so he can. I got confused in what they were saying because it seemed that only Mellisa and I were going and he was going to pick us up after he poops or something. All I know is it turned into an argument between them. I started thinking how close they are and how funny it is when they fight because you know they aren't really mad. You know that everything is going to be ok. There is a sense of secruity in that. I was overcame with a sense of lonlieness and a longing for that feeling. "Its cool guys I have to go to work anyways. So don't worry about it" I interupt.

  
  

  "I have stuff to do to then." Mellisa says with a sense of annoyance with Alex.

  
  

  I was dropped off and headed in to get ready for work and head off.

  
  

  *********************************

  
  

  Work to sum it all up sucked. I hate working the evening shift because I know we are going to be slow and therefor don't want to deal with anyone. The texts start. "Hey" Tommie messages.

  
  

  Work passed with few customers and idle texting. Seemed like every hour I was checking Xanga to see if there were any new comments. Sweet, new comment. Oh... its Justin. Reading.. funny. Guess I'll check back later. I talked to Chris and continued texting. "Hey" comes a text from Lindsey. Oh jeez, here we go. I kind of wish this obsessed 14 year old would stop messaging me. If only Mallory, her older sister and my friend, still lived with them to tell her to stop being kind of creepy. Its just going to be her telling me she is confused, and wants to kiss me or have sex with me and how much she has thought about it. She can waste her energy because it won't work on me. I've played along to not hurt her, but at the same time draw a line so she knows. "Hey" comes a text from Justin. Sweet, now I have three people. I really see why I have to charge my phone twice a day now. The conversation with Justin was quick with me telling him to come up to visit. Checking Xanga again! Chris comes out telling me something but I'm not paying any attention as I'm wanting to see if she said anything. She left a comment, oh my god I can't read it. I'm afraid. "Chris, no offense but I need a minute to myself here."

  
  

  "Umm... Ok."

  
  

  Scrolling down.. oh jeez, what is she going to say. Relief. Its nothing major but why didn't she tell me what she was confused about. It was my leadway into what I want to tell her. Oh well, I'll just tell her I want to talk to her. I send a message to Tommie telling her that I want to talk to my ex and she flips. Whoa, settle down. Why get so upset. Telling me not to talk to her isn't exactly the advice I need. I understand that I could get hurt again.

  
  

  "You want to hook back up you would like to be friends but you eventually want to be wit her again am i right" she sends.

  
  

  "It would be amazing but I doubt it would ever happen again. I'm not that lucky."

  
  

  "past behavior is the future behavior people don't change they fuck ya over once they are going to do it again."

  
  

  "maybe but I want to take a chance. I want to know. Against all odds"

  
  

  "Them you get attached again and then your in the same heart ache trust me i have done it to many times you have to be completely over the person"

  
  

  "I suffered for two years, what is a little longer. I have to know."

  
  

  "move on name one reason your so stuck on her"

  
  

  "because she has been the only person i could talk to about anything. She was the only person who got me and i could be close to./ She was the only person i could cry in her arms and feel insanely safe. She wasn't my first love and she not my first long relationship but the greatest./ Without her i don't feel whole. I don't think i ever will without her. I've not had a girlfriend since because no one measures up./ I could keep going all night with reasons."

  
  

  "your wrong tho i mean get over her stop feelin sorry for your self./ She was so great the she broke your heart and left ya."

  
  

  "All she did was break up with me. What is wrong with that?"

  
  

  At that moment I realized a truth that I had not before. She hadn't done anything wrong to me. All she did was break up with me. People stop feeling the same for someone and it is natual. Love can't be onesided or it isn't love. Think of it even in terms of inanimate objects. I love my Ipod because it gives me music which is something back. You have to get something back or it isn't anything. I have no idea how she felt at that time or even now. I'd love to think she was confused because she didn't know I still cared for her so much. I'd like to think that, but it most likely isn't the truth. I'd love to think I could confess everything and she'd say she has missed me so much and run to my arms. This is life and in life things don't work out that way. It is full of risks and chances. Love isn't fair. I'd love to think that these two years of suffering is enough to give to get her back. It is up to her though. completely. Would be be ready though? She said I was like Spectre once. I just don't want her to come back too late, or not at all. We still have so much growing to do, but then again we've learned so much over the last two years. Atleast I have. I must send her a message on Xanga that I want to talk to her. 

  
  

  I remember she once said that I wansn't in love with her but in love with love. How that statement didn't hold true at all. Its always been her. I've not had a girlfriend or a date since her, but I've messed around with some girls. Each time it felt like cheating. The last time with Lyndsey I remember it was dark and I felt really bad about doing what I was doing. I looked at her and saw Amanda's eyes, not Lyndsey's. I couldn't go on. I stopped. I told people it was her, but it was me. I couldn't do it. She wanted it though. I just couldn't provide it. It wasn't right. If I just wanted love couldn't I just find it anywhere then. No this is true love, pure love. This isn't the type of love that happens very often. Not to withstand its greatest foe, time. Even after so long my feelings for her haven't extinguished at all. Oh god, how I wish I could make her feel the same.

  
  

  Lets just finish this day up. Get home. Just one day at a time.

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  I have no idea why I started writing this like a story like a 1/4 of the way through. It just happened that way. You are probably wondering why I would reveal so much if I wanted to talk to her. Wouldn't she read this and know everything. Well I'm hoping the size will intimidate everyone and no one will actually read this. Especially her. I want to be able to tell her everything but can live with if she reads this. I have no idea what I'm going to say or what I want to happen. I just want to know if ever, not even now, if we could be again. I need resolution. I need to know. This doesn't happen everyday. Not like this, it can't. I want to believe my feelings are special and unique. I know they are.  Oh god please please please please let something good come of this.

  • 10:13 pm
  • 5 Comments