"heart melt... I keep it make it a candle and burn it every night before I got to sleep.." - that has to be the best thing any girl has ever said to me.

Wasps have taken over the basement/my bedroom. Where do I sleep now? Oh well. Girls amaze me is all I can say after this event. My mom is deadly allergic to them, and one sting could be fatal yet she is too worried about cleaning the basement up before killing the wasps. Only girls would do that.

Life is blah really. Not really doing much anymore, even though I'm always out. I'm getting 2 more jobs for a total of 3 jobs to take up all my time. Maybe I'll become a workaholic. Well I'll atleast get enough money to pay off my debts, get a new car, and my Fender Stratacaster and amp.

"ode to the nice guys" by Brian Coyle

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

When he read it to me it almost made me cry. After certain parts I would say how that parts sounds so much like when... and he would say that he did have me in mind when writing it. It is so painstakingly true. Girls don't want the sensitive guy who is always there for them and always puts them before themselves. They want the guys who are jerks, and cheated 6 times on their last girlfriend. I also don't understand, never will I believe. This being the reason I have said screw girls, and really don't want a girlfriend. Though sometimes I do feel like I do. Then I quickly remember Amanda and vow to become a priest.

I'm Dying Tomorrow. You often look back on your
life wondering if you did things right. If you
died tomorrow, would you regret anything, would
you want to take anything back?

What Alkaline Trio Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

And on that note. I need to stop breaking rule number one about strip clubs. Don't fall in love. Though I think almost all of us except one person broke that rule. It is also weird to see girls you knew in high school, or even a girl who used to come over your house and hang out, but Deja Vu rocks!

-edit-

Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you the best thing. If you ever go to a strip club all the strippers will constantly bug you to get a lap dance. So, what I did is just tell them all I was waiting till 1:30 am. So ever single one of them was like I will be here exactly at 1:30 am. When they were around they would ask to check my watch to see how long they had to wait. It was so great and funny. So the one named "Charly", since all the name are stage names, comes running over and asking, "Am I the winner? Am I the winner?". Which is the one I was hoeing would "win" so to speak. I said, "Yes!" and gave her a high five. She was so hyper and excited it was great till she almost fell over a chair. So we went back and she did her thing. Afterwards, she said, "I was so excited I won I was really into!". I was like that is awesome and she asked me my name and I told her then she says, "Mine is Charly and it is so nice to meet you, except you had to me meet getting naked" So I replied, "Well... I can get naked too if that makes you more comfortable." She laughed and told me to do it, but I told her the bouncer would come beat me up. She said, "not as long as you're in my booth." and I replied, "So you'll protect me from the big bad bouncer." She said of course and gave me a hug. After that everyone in the group was like lined up to be next. Justin, Alicia, Rick, Brian, and I'm not sure if Rob did... I don't know. It was great and we are supposed to go back Wednesday because it is amatuer night and Alicia wants to go and win and be a stripper there. So, we are going to support her. Kind of a weird thing to support, huh?

Bleeding Hearts MelodyBleeding Hearts Melody

Shattered (pre-release)

(Bleeding Hearts Melody) late night drive home you're smiling i turn my head and black ensues the headlights screamed i turned the wheel the pavement struck it meant to kill it's impossible it can't end like this it's unstoppable with no last kiss it's unbelievable that you are giving up hold on you could never see it taken away no you can't look at me i'm so sorry oh no i can't believe that you are giving up hold on (background) how could you take her away how could you take her away from me   (©2004 Bleeding Hearts Melody)

I'm afraid I'm becoming very cynical of love like Mandy Moore in How To Deal. "Why can't we get divorced before we get married and save that whole extra step." I'm really not even interested in relationships anymore. They just seem to be meaningless acts of self indulgence at ones expense, because in the end we always get hurt. Love is a form of parasite relationship where one is the host and the other is the parasite. The parasite just keeps taking from the host, and the host keeps giving and giving until the parasite has taken all it needs and leaves the host empty and frail. That is exactly what love is.

I was talking to a friend of mine who is in a relationship where they are constantly being treated badly, so I asked them why they are staying with them when everyone tells them they should leave their partner, and I know they feel the same. They said it is because they have put so much time into the relationship. Seems to be a lame excuse to stay with someone who keeps taking from you. I told them, "Why waste anymore time on something that you probably don't want to dedicate your life to, when you can spend your time finding or with someone else who is worth the time." Though I'm sure that statement went unheard.

I haven't updated my xanga for awhile because I have had too much to say. Make sense? Probably not, so let me explain. I have had a lot to say but didn't want to type it on impulse and stir a bunch of crap up in my life. I don't need nor want it. I did talk to Amanda one more time after I last posted, and it definitely was not a good conversation and is the reason I have been signed off aim and stayed away from xanga for a week. Not even going into detail, but all I can say is this from a little song I'm working on:

Apathy stopped this wound from bleeding
Sutures sewn with apologies
but I'll never have to worry about them breaking
since you cauterized with wound with hate

"We are artists. We feel things differently than normal people do. That is why we write music to make them feel what we feel." - Jay from Raise Your Voice

Yea, I probably didn't mention I had free tickets to see that new Hillary Duff movie before it came out. It was a pretty good movie, but kind of harsh and makes you want to cry. Oh, and if you are making fun of me for seeing that movie remember this. 1) free tickets! 2) Hillary Duff running around in a skirt for 2 hours... nice!

Anyway, I fear I may be failing myself here. I'm starting to overload my brain with things. Makes it difficult to sleep at nights and I have to play guitar and write songs to be able to sleep. I'm so exhausted both physically and mentally. I'm having dreams again. I wish they would go away. They do nothing but make me wake up saddened by them. I'm not depressed by any means though. Just certain feelings were awakened and I'm trying to build the wall to stop the flood. It is better to just not feel than deal with it. These scars will never be healed. They will always be fresh and easy to cut open. Not even an apology is enough a suture for them. :sigh: Just need to stop thinking about everything again. I will never understand, and it will only drive me crazy again to think about it.

On the bright side of life, The regional manager and district manager came into pac-sun today. They are wanting me to become a manager, but I don't know. The cool thing though is the reginal manger, who is a really hott for her age, wants me to go to a meeting with her and a bunch of district managers to play guitar. Freakin sweet, eh? Hopefully she isn't just BS'ing me like the VP of Game Crazy did with me making that training game I programmed. I also got another free smoothie from Smoothie King. Those ladies are nice to bring me those when I'm working. The one lady wants me to teach her husband some guitar. Which I told her I could show him a few things. All in all life is pretty good, but if it is so good, then why do I feel this way? I know why, but crying over it all over again isn't going to get me any farther than it did last time.

User has signed off

Input, enter, output, display
streaming words that puzzle
as if I were reading it in one's and zero's
though I'm glad we talked
seems the meaning was lost in the hex translation
Insert joke here, reply witty comeback
this is what it has come down to
How I wish I could jump into the monitor
to streamline the network to your screen
and display image after image of what I'm thinking
for every image is a thousand words
words that only dancing pixels could say
I thought I was over you
or atleast that is what I lead myself to believe
I'm still wounded, I'm still hurt
An empty cavern my chest for you to pour salt in
I know you're saying you're sorry
and it means so much to hear
I cherish this moment dearly
but this is where I fear
of falling again like the airplane
I drew in my black notebook
where it was your hand that saved me that time
but the pencil lines faded and your hand has disappeared
so this is where I bow out gracefully
for I thought I could take it, and I thought I was over you
but I'm really just reminded how much this isn't true
now I wish you the best of everything and a man who surely to be
everything I hoped to shoot for , but failed so miserably
end my incoherency, and say my goodnight

"Love and Hate only a chemical." I hear that line in this song every time I work. "Don't believe in what the world tells you, it's all just a chemical." It seems to me a song that gives up on our humanity. It is those chemicals that make us human, though if you think of it as that it sounds so robotic. What exactly is it that registers these different chemicals for different people. Why is it that some people we think are awesome without them having to say a word, and other people you don't want them to even acknowledge you for you are disgusted by them. Are these feelings a sixth sense? like we can already know a person before we actually know them. I don't know. Does anyone out there know the answer? Or how is it that even though we feel so much hate for someone we still care so much? Is the hate a facade?

It has been awhile since I have updated and I promised I would the day after my last entry. To that I apologize, but I have been quite the busy one. It is like when you turn twenty-one life kicks into overdrive. So many parties going on that I might get burnt out very quick, so I think I need to slow it down some. Though right after I write this entry I will be taking my shower and getting ready to go to a bar with Lisa from work and her girlfriend. Yep, I'm going to a lesbian bar... should be interesting! I'm going for the karaoke!

Geoff and I made up, and I still worry about that kid. It seems from 18 - 20 you are just a lost soul trying out your new wings of freedom. I don't think you realize then how hard it is to fly, and most find themselves with clipped wings watching life fly by them. Maybe it is just me that has found that to be the way of things from personal experience as well as others.

Brian called me to make amends and invite me to a party of his. This confused Geoff to why I could say I hate the kid one day, and be nice to him the next. Most people think I'm such a complicated person to figure out, and I will tell you why. I'm complicated because it is like trying to figure themselves out. "Treat others as you want to be treated" has been the way I have lived life for a long time. The way I act towards people and treat them is based purely on how they act. I am only a mirror image of what you do to me. I have always said, "I can be your best friend, or worst enemy.", but as we know most people are their own worst enemies so, you know. I was taught the mirror thing in drama a long time ago, so when I first meet people I'm usually silent and just taking in everything about them to be just like them. Everyone is research to see how they react and how different people are. It is the best thing for an actor. I am an actor, and I acted most of my life. As most know, I said I was laying down the pin and stopped writing the script and acting the part. I will not stop mirror treating others though, for it is the best way I have found for me to be to people. Sorry, that you are probably confused now.

After work that night I went to Brian's for the party and some cool cats were all hanging around. It was fun until certain events happened and Geoff called Katie. After he called her I yelled at him for calling her, because he no right to call her and he ran his mouth to me. Now for all those people I have told not to fuck with me, pay attention! So I walked over and shoved his shoulder which made him flip backwards in the chair. I told him not to fuck with me, and walked away. Geoff got up and threw a beer bottle at my feet which shattered. So I walked back over and puched him in the face I thought, but he moved in time apparently and I just got him in the back of the neck. He got up and said, "You're lucky I'm a pussy!" so I chuckled and walked back inside. Everyone was coming up to me asking me what was going on and then went to Geoff who apparently wanted to go after me, but Alex warned him that was a bad idea. It would have been a very bad idea indeed. Geoff and I later talked and apologized to each other. It was an alright night, but too many naked people and underaged girls naked walking around. Creepy... :shivers:

Silence is golden and people are self destructive. The best way to get revenge is to wait and watch them ruin themselves. It is good to finally see that everyone here finally sees what a prick Steven is. All I can say is I told them so. I am much wiser than people give me credit for.

My mother and I are going to get to share a lifetime experience together, but don't get too excited. We are both filing for bankruptcy at the same time. Riviting I know.

AbsoluteZero01:

Amanda needs to go back to school and get a job. This is critical point in her life where it is going to really impact the rest of it. Everyone tells me not to worry about it cuz she isn't my problem anymore. This is true, and I don't care for her the way I did, but I never lied about anything I said to her. So I do care and worry for her, but not in the way I did. I want only the best for her and right now she seems so confused. Enough jibberish that makes no sense. I just worry so much for her, because she is so lost it seems.

Bankruptcy will finally set me free from this burden of debt. I'll be able to start over with a fresh start, and it will be off my record by the time I plan on buying a house and settling down anyway. Hopefully they will take my damn car too, cuz I hate that thing so much!

I was asked to lie about something I don't feel I should have to lie about, but I will most likely never have to be confronted about it for I don't talk to them anymore. So, it should all work itself out.

So many of you are wondering exactly how the trinity journal is going to work. Well, it is actually complex. It is almost as if you were inside someone with mulitple personalities brain. The day will be laid out pretty evenly through each journal, but each one will be a little different. As AbsoluteZero01 will be the more logical and sensible thinking. EmoJournal will be the ligher optomistic thinking. Digital_Remorse will be the darker negative thinking.

Now you might be wondering why exactly I'm doing this. Well, I'm a different and creative person. I like to try new things. I believe this is a very creative thing as you would get different aspects of how I think in different journals. It may be confusing at first, but I believe it will be easier to understand as you get the jist of how it will be laid out for people to read. I will actually make my first offical post using the trinity journals tomorrow. I would do it today, but I think it would be confusing with this introduction here.