February 7, 2003

• It is pretty fun down here in louisville, and as it is very nice here and much fun my mind seems to be else where. I came down here to get a chest x-ray for the air force, but I decided I'm not going to join. I hope Sgt. Rivero understands my reasons, though I do fear he will hate me for it. I was going to join for the wrong reasons and after a long talk with Eric I decided it wasn't my path in life to take. I'm no soldier, I'm an actor, a comedian, an entertainer. I want to make people laugh not make them choke on their blood from a bullet. I want people to cry because my movie was sad, not because I killed the one they loved. I could never harm anyone, I don't even kill bugs unless they are needed to be disposed of like flies, but only if they annoy me too much. I'm taking two huge gambles by staying here. I pray and hope they both work out for me. I can't imagine my life being complete without them.

  
  

  I don't really know what to think. My mind is on an accelaration course to realign my life to the life style I really want and not the one I was choosing for the wrong reasons. I wanted to join the air force to escape here, but I can leave at anytime. In a way, I'm already free from what I was running from. I just hope what I'm running to will make me very happy, because right now it does very much. I've always hated snow, but tonight I like watching it fall under the street light as I type this post. It is like rain captured in slow motion. Though I do prefer rain because of its soundtrack. Now a train is going by outside the window. Such a pretty picture this window holds for me. Reminds me of past days when I was younger and still innocent of the world. Days when my dad still seemed to be a hero. I love my dad but his addictions make me loss so much respect for him that now I look down upon him. He does have it rough but only because he makes it rough. Sad really to know  that he might not make it past the next ten years. Finding out so much about my family and their addictions. I feel to be the only clean and sane one left. I had my own demons but nevered turned to substances for a relief. I'm thinking about changing my name and starting a new bloodline.

  
  

  You never really understand how unpredictable life really is till you are standing face to face with the unknown and never know what tomorrow will bring. Some people have plans and say they know their future. I like not knowing. The unknown is exciting, but the best way to get knocked down in life. Dreams can be easily shattered along with your heart.

  
  

  Every now and then I think about the past and question things. Like why did I have to go through so much. I think it is because of my past I know the future is to be great. As everything I've ever done in the past was by myself, now I want to share everything with someone. I don't think certain people understand that. As most people are wanting to venture out and try things on their own. I'm tired of being alone. I want to share. I guess I want something constant in my life as everything else has been random. I want to wake up each morning that no matter what, good or bad, that someone is there to listen to me, someone is there to be with, someone is there to be heard, someone is there and I'm there for them. That is why I hate time and distance as it seems to only be a roadblock and makes things take forever to come together.

  
  

  I so want to run outside now, because as you read this and you may think I'm sad. I am very happy. Two reasons and both reasons are what I hope to be my future.

  
  

  As for here at University of Louisville where I'm spending time till saturday it is quite fun. I arrived here to find the dorm room full of people already. Eric, Justin, Karen, and Susan were all here to greet my return   Chelsea and Brandon came over a little later, but Eric and Brandon played some hockey on PS2 and Brandon left. So we ordered a pizza and Justin went to bed. Eric, Karen, Chelsea, Susan and I went back to Karen's room to hang out. We played Trivial Pursuit and I've never felt like an idiot more in my life as I never knew any answers, but I really didn't care as I was playing with a bunch of physics majors and such. Karen and I won as we were on a team. Eric's girlfriend Lindsey did come over a little later and joined Chelsea on a team. It has been quite fun here and tomorrow sounds more promising as DDR is the highlight, LoL! Chelsea and I did our best tonight to convince everyone to go sled riding, but no one jumped on the bandwagon. Oh well, would have been fun! I do worry though, I think that Karen is starting to fall for me. She is a great girl, but I only want to be her friend as for right now, my heart is with someone else. I don't plan on changing that ever. Now as I don't know for sure if she is, I just play it cool and not try to make anything out of it. Like ever since I got here I think she has grabbed my ass about 10 times. I don't know how to tell her not to do that without being a dick, you know? Like I've never had a girl do that except one, who was my g/f at the time, do that. So, I have no clue how to deal with that, and the constant touching of me. I mean it doesn't bother me, but then again it does. Like when she hits me or whatever, I think of it in a friendly way, like it is her way of goofing off, but I don't know. I don't want to make something into something it isn't. So, I just go whatever and know that nothing will come of it as I already feel bad with her touching me. Like I said it doesn't bother me, yet it does. I just feel like I'm doing something bad when she touches me. It doesn't feel right. I wish it was someone else touching me and grabbing my ass, but we can't have everything, can we? I just hope she isn't falling for me because I'm really not the best for her. Since, my heart is with another, and because she seems to be someone set on a path in life and mine is a play it by ear path, because that is how the entertainment biz is. I need someone who is like me. Someone who is random and lives each day for tomorrow not years down the road. I know who I want, but it seems at this point in time I can't have her the way I would like. That is why I hate time.

  
  

  Well thank your for reading this if you did read this. Sorry if it seemed a bit winded, but I've had alot on my mind, and as confused as I am sometimes during today, I was never sad, and that is because I had something good to think about. Peace to everyone!

  • 2:54 am
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