February 13, 2005

• I just came home from Lindsay's house where we watched Empire Records. It is such a great movie. It makes me laugh. I needed that as today just wasn't too good a day. My emotions have been on edge recently and I really hate it. The more I hate it the more complex it gets. I try to relax and ease, but it is rather difficult. I started thinking tonight, during the movie when watching A.J. tell Corey that he loved her, that people should be more honest with each other. We try so hard to spare others feelings that we sugarcoat things or even lead them on to make them feel better. I started thinking about how Tifa 2 is pretty upset because I won't pay attention to her. I do this because I don't want anything with her. I tell her and her friend this but it doesn't seem to work. I don't know what else to do, she gets so upset when I tell her I'm hanging out with Lindsay. I feel bad, but I can't change the way I feel.

  
  

  I also wished I knew what Lindsay felt and thought. Is she sparing my feelings? I often wonder if she likes me the way I like her, or just as friends. I don't expect her to tell me anything. She does have a boyfriend, and if she did like me she doesn't have to tell me. I just wish I knew what was going on. Tonight I would look over at her and just think to myself how she is so damn beautiful. Not just vanity wise, but personallity wise too. She is so caring. She did worry about me when I was freaking out from an anxiety attack. She even did "the one act of kindness". This was the trend started with Megan. When it snowed really bad when I was there and she didnt' want me to drive so I stayed there. Then Amanda when it snowed really bad and she didnt want me to drive I stayed there. It isn't the exact same as it was in those cases, but when I was upset she didn't want me to drive home. She calmed me down so I could be able to drive. She is just such a great person. Brian says I'm making a mistake by becoming emotionally attached, because I'll only get hurt. I most likely will. I really just wish I knew how she felt. If she doesn't care for me that way or not. I would pay anything to know. When she smiled tonight it made me smile and giggle. Her smile is so amazing. It makes me smile and giggle because it is so gorgeous. I just want to go kiss her, but I can't...

  
  

  I thought that maybe I should stop hanging out with her. I thought maybe that would be for the best. I was set to do it, but then thought more about it and realized I'm running. I'm doing what ever girl has ever done to me. Run. I was running from Lindsay, because I don't want to chance it. When really I do. I pray so much that things could work out.

  
  

  I also thought about love. Love is supposed to be an ultimate word. Don't say it unless you mean forever is what I'm told. Why is this a emotion that can only be used sparingly? I know I have truely only loved two girls in my life. One I'm actually not so sure I did when I think about it anymore. Jessica and Amanda are the only girls I have ever truely loved. Jessica I'm not so sure about anymore, but maybe because it was so long ago. With Lindsay I get the same feeling I had when I was with Jessica and Amanda. That freaks me out, because there is no way I can be in love with Lindsay. Granted I do like her so freakin much it is ridiculious. I don't know what to do sometimes. It takes so much out of me to restrain myself in not flooding out my emotions in words and actions for her. I have to keep it on a friend level and it is so draining. Sometimes I want to break down and cry because I have so much emotion in my for her that I can't let it out. I just say nothing is wrong when asked and pretend to be perfectly fine. Though on the inside I'm being drained. That's why so much I pray to know what it is she feels for me. Maybe love isn't so complicated as everyone makes it out to be. Maybe infact love is just so simple, we can't comprehend it as such. I don't know, but I do know that I feel like it sometimes and that is pretty messed up. Maybe I'm just retarded, who knows.

  
  

  Well I'm off to bed. I have to rest up. I'm going to hang out with Lindsay again tomorrow. I can't wait to see her. I love seeing her. I just wish it was different circumstances. God please let my dreams answer my questions of how she feels and what I'm to do. I need to know.

  
  

  Goodnight

  
  

  -Michael 

  • 2:51 am
  • 1 Comment