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Yesterday wasn't really too fun at all. I had to work pretty much all day and seeing all the happy couples wanted to make me vomit. Some spanish classes from different high school's came and passed out candy hearts there had spanish on them. I wrote a letter with the spanish hearts. It is pretty cheesy, but I was limited with word use. I also drew two pictures.

Yea, I'm definetely no artist. This girl did really try to get the first one from me. I was hoping Lindsay would come and visit me, but she couldn't.

Daniel came over and started saying some shit about what people at the levee are saying. People piss me off. They need to stay out of business that isn't theirs, and they need to not say things that are not true. I was so freakin mad.

Afterwards, I hung out with Brian and we went to Waffle House at like 2am with Robin and Mike. It was quite fun. While talking Brian said I should kiss Lindsay today on the lips, and I told him no. Definetely not. Don't want to ruin things. So on the car trip home I started thinking and came up with some lyrics about it. They are kinda rough, but this is what I got:

I'll softly kiss your forehead
for I would kiss your lips
but they belong to another
once for me then I'll be free
to lock them wth the kineticism
that's between them

That's all I got so far. I can't decide if I like them or not. I am supposed to hang out with Lindsay today. I did forget to write on here how she did do the one thing I've always wanted a girl to do. When I went to visist her at work she ran over and jumped into my arms and we hugged. It was simply amazing and all the feeling I thought that would be. As simple as it is, it is something that is truely awesome. I have no clue what I'm going to do for a week without hanging out with her, or talking to her it seems will be, because her phone and my phone aren't wanting to accept each others messages. Maybe she'll call me. We'll see. Though she'll probably be having way too much fun to even think about me.

She'll fly down there and see her boyfriend. They'll hug and kiss, and be so happy to see each other, because its been too long. Then there goes me. I'm out. Rest of the trip I might pop in, but quickly be gone, until forgotten. Then she'll come back and I'll be like how was your trip? and she'll be like who are you? Yea, it could happen. LoL

Well I'm off to work now.

Peace

-Michael

I hate Valentine's Day.

Diffuser - "I Wonder"

And I wonder if you ever think about me anymore
And I wonder if you ever think about me when you’re bored
And I wonder if you ever think about me when you’re hangin' in New York

And I wonder if you still think Bono writes his songs for you
And I wonder if the reasons why you left me were untrue
And I wonder if you give him better blow jobs than the ones I got from you

Because...
Girl you mean
So much to me
I wish that we
Could start it over, start it over
I don't need your sympathy or apologies
Still I'm staring at my coffee cup it's 6 am and I cannot give up

And I wonder if you're happy or just glad to see me scarred
could my drunken self confession sober up your bleeding heart
I am bending over backwards to get close to you but still I feel so far

Because
Girl you mean
So much to me
I wish that we could start it over, start it over
I don’t need your sympathy, your apologies
Still I'm staring in my coffee cup it's 6 am and I cannot give up

Girl you mean
So much to me
I wish that we
Could start it over
I don't need your sympathy
Your apologies no more

Girl you mean
So much to me
I wish that we could start it over, start it over
I don't need your sympathy, I just want you here with me...

Still I'm staring in my coffee cup it's 6 am and I cannot give up

"Just forget me its that simple."

"I know the songs you're singing, saying nothing loud and clear
I've heard that song a thousand times
But your shallow empty lies about suicide are patronizing
You can never understand what I feel

Or do you think I'll be less lonely when I'm dead
It can't silence all the voices in my head
I close my eyes but I can't make it go away
Do you think I'll be less lonely
God I pray that I'm not lonely

When I'm dead"

"Discard this message
Throw this bottle back in the ocean
Rip this page from the history books
Smash all the street signs
Erase all the maps
Forget my name
Forget my face
Because it's going to rain
And it never ends"

I just came home from Lindsay's house where we watched Empire Records. It is such a great movie. It makes me laugh. I needed that as today just wasn't too good a day. My emotions have been on edge recently and I really hate it. The more I hate it the more complex it gets. I try to relax and ease, but it is rather difficult. I started thinking tonight, during the movie when watching A.J. tell Corey that he loved her, that people should be more honest with each other. We try so hard to spare others feelings that we sugarcoat things or even lead them on to make them feel better. I started thinking about how Tifa 2 is pretty upset because I won't pay attention to her. I do this because I don't want anything with her. I tell her and her friend this but it doesn't seem to work. I don't know what else to do, she gets so upset when I tell her I'm hanging out with Lindsay. I feel bad, but I can't change the way I feel.

I also wished I knew what Lindsay felt and thought. Is she sparing my feelings? I often wonder if she likes me the way I like her, or just as friends. I don't expect her to tell me anything. She does have a boyfriend, and if she did like me she doesn't have to tell me. I just wish I knew what was going on. Tonight I would look over at her and just think to myself how she is so damn beautiful. Not just vanity wise, but personallity wise too. She is so caring. She did worry about me when I was freaking out from an anxiety attack. She even did "the one act of kindness". This was the trend started with Megan. When it snowed really bad when I was there and she didnt' want me to drive so I stayed there. Then Amanda when it snowed really bad and she didnt want me to drive I stayed there. It isn't the exact same as it was in those cases, but when I was upset she didn't want me to drive home. She calmed me down so I could be able to drive. She is just such a great person. Brian says I'm making a mistake by becoming emotionally attached, because I'll only get hurt. I most likely will. I really just wish I knew how she felt. If she doesn't care for me that way or not. I would pay anything to know. When she smiled tonight it made me smile and giggle. Her smile is so amazing. It makes me smile and giggle because it is so gorgeous. I just want to go kiss her, but I can't...

I thought that maybe I should stop hanging out with her. I thought maybe that would be for the best. I was set to do it, but then thought more about it and realized I'm running. I'm doing what ever girl has ever done to me. Run. I was running from Lindsay, because I don't want to chance it. When really I do. I pray so much that things could work out.

I also thought about love. Love is supposed to be an ultimate word. Don't say it unless you mean forever is what I'm told. Why is this a emotion that can only be used sparingly? I know I have truely only loved two girls in my life. One I'm actually not so sure I did when I think about it anymore. Jessica and Amanda are the only girls I have ever truely loved. Jessica I'm not so sure about anymore, but maybe because it was so long ago. With Lindsay I get the same feeling I had when I was with Jessica and Amanda. That freaks me out, because there is no way I can be in love with Lindsay. Granted I do like her so freakin much it is ridiculious. I don't know what to do sometimes. It takes so much out of me to restrain myself in not flooding out my emotions in words and actions for her. I have to keep it on a friend level and it is so draining. Sometimes I want to break down and cry because I have so much emotion in my for her that I can't let it out. I just say nothing is wrong when asked and pretend to be perfectly fine. Though on the inside I'm being drained. That's why so much I pray to know what it is she feels for me. Maybe love isn't so complicated as everyone makes it out to be. Maybe infact love is just so simple, we can't comprehend it as such. I don't know, but I do know that I feel like it sometimes and that is pretty messed up. Maybe I'm just retarded, who knows.

Well I'm off to bed. I have to rest up. I'm going to hang out with Lindsay again tomorrow. I can't wait to see her. I love seeing her. I just wish it was different circumstances. God please let my dreams answer my questions of how she feels and what I'm to do. I need to know.

Goodnight

-Michael 

I've spent 5 hours on this entry. All it is is a music video by Death Cab for Cutie. The song is A Movie Script ending. So watch the video here

Wow, what an entry I could make. I thought about so many different things on my car ride home from Lindsay's house tonight. It suprises me how much I like Lindsay, and how much I am truely comfortable around her. I hate to keep bringing up Amanda, but I haven't been able to be that cool with a girl since her. That is a huge step for me, because for so long I have been jaded. I usually distance myself greatly from girls, but I feel so close to Lindsay. Probably why I'm falling for her so fast. This though does scare me. She is taken. Boyfriend of 9 months. I know she really cares for him, and possibly even is in love with him. So, it scares me sometimes that maybe I will never get the chance I want. Then again, I think it is best to be just the way we are for awhile. Though I do get impatient. It is a vicious cycle in which I cannot make up my mind. I just know in the end I want to be with Lindsay. No doubt about that. I just want to hold her close, snuggle, and kiss her on the lips when I leave. We have so much fun together, and I've never had this much fun being with a girl I'm never bored, and we always have something to do. I feel true compassion from her. I feel like she really does care about me, and that is so rare because it takes me a very long time to feel that. To say I feel something different about her would be a huge DUH! cuz everyone feels something different about every different person. I just hope for something good. Though as people have told me, because she is young. It is doomed to end, because she will eventually want to see other people. Which I have come to accept. Just hope that I even just get a shot, and if I do and it comes to that. Well, hopefully she'll come back. Heh. I'm putting way to much thought into all of this. I'm really sad she is leaving in 5 days or so. I know she is very excited about going, because she will get to see her b/f. I hope she has an awesome trip. I'll miss her back here though. :sigh: I wish I could make things different. Though no matter what happens I leave with this quote by me:

"May not work out the way I want it to, but it will work out for the best."

I really like the song "Come Back" by Early November. It is a song that has really related to me in certain situations. I feel that this is on of those times. I was going to write something myself, but this seems to be so much better.

"S'il vous plaît ne pas m'oublier que quand l'avion part."

So here is "Come Back" by Early November

Looking in your eyes
Praising every moment because you're my only light
Reading the stares at your passion that bears me now
Shedding no little tears
The silence scares us more than leaving could

Come back
Please don't leave me now
I'll be all that you need in life
Because I can't live without you and
I know all that you need
I can give you everything
When you're so far you'll forget about me

Waiting by your side
Knowing every moment is closer to your flight
Upset with the past, but it's all that holds us now
Believing no lies, telling each other we'll be fine forever

Come back
Please don't leave me now
I'll be all that you need in life
Because I can't live without you and
I know all that you need
I can give you everything
When you're so far you'll forget about me

But I'll wait
I could never leave those beautiful eyes
I know you're sorry
I know what you must be going through
And I feel sorry for you

But please don't leave me now
But please don't leave me now
But please don't leave me now

Today has been a different day for me. I woke up this morning from a nightmare. I woke up in deep meloncholy state. My eyes filled up with tears and I really just cried. Probably wondering what the dream was about I would assume. As it was a dream, I can't remember every detail. I remember that it was about Lindsay. Funny that I haven't had dreams like these since Amanda broke up with me. It kinda scares me that I would be dreaming like this since it has only happen with only one other girl. The dream was me trying to win over Lindsay but failing over and over and her hating me. I know this doesn't seem like such a big deal, but it was so real and everyone talked down on me in the dream. It really bothered me when I awoke.

I missed my speech class this morning. That isn't very good. I really need to start going! After that I went to work 10am - 6pm. It was a busy day at work. Not with customers but with the store.

After I got off work I went to Lindsay's house so we could go to the mall. We hung out here for a bit with her friend Whitley(?) for awhile. It was fun. They were hyper and it was funny. At about 8 we went to the Florence Mall to walk around for a bit. She saw a awesome purse that she wanted at Hot Topic. It was pretty flippin' sweet. I think, maybe, we will be going back out on Thursday so she can get it. For the ride I picked out a collection of songs on CD's to play for her. Each song having a hidden meaning of what I wanted to tell her. I've just always found the music can express my feelings better than my words can ever do sometimes. When Vertical Horizon played I just started crying, because of the lyrics. It made me think about how much I want to be what she wants, but I fear I won't. The unknown is very scary. I'm so comfortable around her, and she is so awesome and fun to be around. I think I get a little too comfortable, because when I was sitting at her desk she was over my shoulder and I almost turned around and kissed her. Mid way I realized what the hell I was doing and just said, "whoa" and stopped. I have no clue what the hell came over me. That would have so pissed her off and she would have kicked the shit out of me. I hope that never happens again. I don't want to ruin any future chance I may have with her, and the friendship we have now. I care about her so freakin much!